Writings of My Feelling after His Death

That Day Two Years Ago, The Day He Left

I wrote this two years after Alex' Death

It's been two years today. Two years since he went away. Good Friday. What was so good about it? He's lying there, I shake him, "wake up" I say. "Quit teasing me. Get up. Look at me." It can't be true, Tell me it isn't so. I talked to him just hours ago. He joked with me. Tomorrow we are going on vacation. Plans have been made, reservations made. I am in shock; it's surreal. I'm numb. I feel guilt. Why didn't I hear or help? It's my fault. Why didn't he get that sleep machine? I should have made him listen. He's only 62; he's too young. My minds says "call 911." "Do CPR" I hear. I try, can't turn his head, he's cold. No pulse. Blood has settled. They come, the paramedics, the police, the men from the mortuary. I hear talking, I hear voices but I can't remember what is said. I hear sobbing. I make phone calls, I sign something; I feel like I am asleep. I need to wake up from my dream. It's just a bad dream; it's not real. I will wake up soon. Someone cries out, "Daddy", I see the man take him out the door. Why is the man taking him out the door? Why is he covered with a blue blanket? People come; they are sad, they tell me they are sorry. I smile but inside I feel like I too am dying, but no, it's just a dream. It will pass. I make plans, I talk to the mortuary guy. I phone keeps ringing; I answer, don't remember who it was or what they say. Things need to get done. So many things need to be done. His grandson's are here to help Grandpa. He has been looking forward to this day so he can't be gone. I look outside, outside by the sheds, the shop, the tractor; the tractor he was working on last night. It's not finished so he can't be gone. I expect to see him there, working out there, working with his plaid shirt, his suspenders, the sandels he always wore with socks. "Mustn't see my ugly feet and toes", he said. I see the truck, the brown truck, his truck. That means he's home, he's here. When the trucks' here, he is here. The bedroom he is remodeling. It's not finished. It's torn up. He can't go because he has to finish it; he has made all the plans to redecorate. The TV room is quiet; Why don't I hear the TV? There is no sound of Bonanza, John Wayne, The Rifelman or Gunsmoke. The sound of silence can be deafining sometimes. I look in the fridge. The leftover pork chops he made for last night's supper are there. He made those just last night so he can't be gone.I see the deck, the deck we planned together. We are going to have lots of parties in the summer on the deck, so he has to be here; he made plans. We made plans. He had so many plans. Just two more years and I will retire, we will travel, be free to go. So I know this isn't true, it's a dream. He has always been there for almost 42 years, things don't change that fast. DO THEY?

Have you ever watched a ship sail off and disappear from the horizon? To you, the ship is gone but to others on the other side, the ship is just arriving. This is death; you watch as your loved one passes from view but that person is not gone, they are arriving at another location. They have only diminished in your view, but they have not changed, only moved beyond view.

Gone From My Sight

I am standing upon the seashore.

A ship at my side spreads her white

sails to the morning breeze and starts

for the blue ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength

I stand and watch her until at length

she hangs like a speck of white cloud

just where the sea and sky come

to mingle with each other

Then someone at my side says;

"There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all.

She is just as large in mast and hull

and spar as she was when she left my side

and she is just as able to bear her

load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone

at my side says, "There, she is gone!"

There are other eyes watching her coming,

and other voices ready to take up the glad

shout,

"Here she comes!"

And that is dying.

Henry Van Dyke

Don't tell me to just get it over

Don't tell me it was meant to be

For he was once my lover

And he is gone you see

Don't tell me how to feel

That I need to just forget

This bad dream is just too real

I can't forget just yet

Don't worry that I am not always cheerful

There are days when I am just down

When others see me they are sometimes fearful

That I will never come around

Just let me have my bad days

Let me grieve on my own time

I will deal with things my own way

And again the sun will shine

But just don't tell me how I should act

Or why I feel like I do

I lost something, that's just the fact

Would you want to walk in my shoes?

Your day will surely come too soon

And you need to grieve in your way

And not have others tell you

The way you should behave

So do not worry about me

I like to write my thoughts

Although I will never forget these times

Time will ease the fraught

Don't tell me that you understand
Don't tell me that you know,
Don't tell me that I will survive
Or how I will surely grow.
Don't tell me that this is just a test
That I am truly blessed
That I am chosen for this task
Apart from all the rest.
Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.
Don't stand in pious judgement
Of the bounds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to suffer
And don't tell me how to cry!
My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see,
But, I need you now,
I need your love, unconditionally.
Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, "My friend, I care."
"Grief is not a problem to be cured. It is simply a statement that you have loved someone"

"To Where You Are"

Josh Groban Song

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be (?)
That you are my
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I